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Social worker explains why she never helps young daughter make friends, even when she’s lonely

“As a parent, that’s heartbreaking. As a social worker, I’m not going to do anything about it.”

lonely girl, school kids, social isolation, school, first-graders, class
Photo credit: via Canva/PhotosA young girl being excluded at school.

One of the generational stereotypes that Millennials and Gen Zers have had foisted on them by older people is that they lack resilience. The knock isn’t completely unfounded, because many have been raised by lawnmower parents who cut down any obstacle that was in their way as children. So, as adults, they never developed the ability to handle difficult social situations. This can lead to a sense of entitlement and social anxiety.

“Lots of parents want to keep their children safe and feel the need to do all they can to achieve this, even when it is too much on them or their child,” Channing Richmond, a licensed marriage and family therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, told Parents. That’s why Helen Turner, a social worker and LMFT, doesn’t get involved even when her first-grade daughter is feeling socially isolated at school.

young girl alone, girl with smartphone, girl window, girl stuffed animal, boredom
A young girl alone at a window. u200bvia Canva/Photos

The difference between being a mom and a social worker

“My daughter has been coming home every night of first grade so far, saying that she does not have any friends at school, that no one wants to play with her. And while, as a parent, that’s heartbreaking, as a social worker, I’m not gonna do anything about it,” Turner opens her viral video that has been seen over 33,000 times.

“Often times, when parents insert themselves into these kinds of things and attempt to problem solve the situation for their child because they want the problem to be fixed, what they’re actually doing is taking the ability for their child to learn what to do in these situations away from their child, which in turn provides a really short term fix for something that will likely be an ongoing, long term, lifelong issue,” she continues.

What is distress tolerance?

Turner says that the ability to endure the feeling of rejection and allow it to prompt someone to take action is called distress tolerance. “Distress tolerance is a person’s ability to manage actual or perceived emotional distress,” writes Matthew Tull, PhD, in Verywell Mind. “It also involves making it through an emotional incident without making it worse. People who have low distress tolerance tend to become overwhelmed by stressful situations and may sometimes turn to unhealthy or even destructive ways of coping with these difficult emotions.”

The key in this situation is to find a balance between setting your child up for success and doing things for them. Experts recommend that parents encourage children to make friends by teaching them to share and how to ask their peers to play confidently. Parents can help by teaching them the simple script: “Hi, I’m [child], would you like to play?” or “Hi, I’m [child], would you like to have lunch with me?” Parents can also set a good example by being friendly themselves and demonstrating a healthy social life. However, Turner believes that parents should avoid asking the teacher or other parents to insert their child into a friend group.

Although it may be tough for parents to watch their children feel isolated, it’ll help them form stronger relationships as they age. “If I had not had to learn that skill as a child or earlier in my life, it would feel debilitating to do now at 30 years old,” Turner says. “I don’t know about you all, but I want my children to grow up and be 20s, 30s, 40s nnd not having to learn social situations for the first time then.”

  • Trendy ‘grandma showers’ get a lot of flack online, but when can they be a good thing?
    Photo credit: @morethangrand/TikTokPerhaps there is a right and wrong way to throw a grandma shower.

    Grandparentsgrandmothers, in particular—often earn a bad reputation for using the arrival of a baby to shift the spotlight towards themselves, rather than becoming a support system for the new parents. Insisting on cutesy nicknames like “glamma” comes to mind as an example (that’s not to say that grandmas can’t elect to have alternative nicknames; it’s more so the lack of collaboration that’s sometimes involved).

    And growing more popular over the past few years is the “grandma shower” trend, which is essentially a baby shower, complete with all the usual fanfare, such as games, gifts, registries, and the like. However, this time, the celebrations are geared towards welcoming a first-time grandma into her new role.

    With the aforementioned factors in mind, it’s probably no wonder that critics have called grandma showers “tacky” and attention-seeking. One person even took to X to call it “peak boomer entitlement.” As far back as 2010, etiquette expert Judith Martin referred to it as a shallow gift grab.

    Perhaps, if we allow for nuance, we can see that there may be some circumstances where grandma showers are appropriate.

    As popular grandparent advice site More Than Grand explains, having a group of coworkers celebrate a grandma shower during their lunch break, for instance, is virtually harmless, as are any other kind of low-key shindigs, since they don’t actually take anything away from the parents.

    @morethangrand Are granny showers a nice new tradition or a tacky gift grab? Welcoming new grandparents with New Grandparent Essentials is always appropriate! Get New Grandparent Essentials at morethangrand.com/nge #grandparents #grandparent #CommunicationTips #GrandparentsLove #AdultChildren #NewGrandparent #newgrandma#newgrandparents #newgrandma #Grandparenting #HealthyBoundaries #Boomer #EffectiveCommunication #GentleGrandparenting ♬ original sound – MoreThanGrand

    Additionally, gifts could be a viable option if grandma is doing most of the caretaking and can’t afford to get these things herself. At least then, it’s the village’s needs that are being supported. Shared grandparent wisdom or grandparenting books could even be a good grandparent-specific gift that doesn’t necessarily cross a line.

    HappiestBaby.com also had a few other helpful guidelines:

    -Not having the grandparent/parent host the party

    -Wait to schedule the grandma shower for AFTER the actual baby shower, and obviously don’t schedule it for a competing time

    -Don’t double-dip on the invite list

    -If creating a registry, simply share the parent’s. Don’t create a separate one.

    It should go without saying, but a lot of these common icks that come as a result of grandma showers could be avoided by simply consulting the mom-to-be on what she’s comfortable with, More Than Grand argues. Much of the conflict in this area stems from not giving parents the respect they deserve as the ultimate authority on what’s best for their child.

    Of course, becoming a grandparent is a wonderful moment that is genuinely worthy of celebration. However, as is evident by the overwhelming number of absentee grandparents out there, it is not nearly as involuntarily life-changing as becoming a parent. And that seems to be the major thing that ruffles feathers. Keep this in mind, and having a slice of cake that says “congrats GMA!” shouldn’t be an issue.

  • More parents are installing landlines for their kids and the benefits are undeniable
    Photo credit: CanvaMore parents are installing landlines for their kids; the benefits are undeniable.

    Do you remember chatting with your friends on a three-way call, wrapping the phone cord around your finger while you got the scoop on what happened during 4th-period lunch? If not, then you were probably born after cellphones became the norm. But for older people, a time was had back then—and now, today’s kids might get to experience that nostalgic telephone experience, too.

    More parents are starting to install landline phones for their kids instead of getting them cellphones. Older generations often complain that Gen Z seems to lack social skills, but they’re the first generation to grow up without house phones. It turns out that all those hours spent chatting on the landline may have been a key factor in developing effective communication skills.

    kids cell phone; kids landline; landlines; communication; low tech life; old school parenting; social skills
    Relaxing chat with a vintage vibe. Photo credit: Canva

    However, for parents now, the development of communication skills is a welcome, unexpected side effect of trying to keep their kids off smartphones for a little longer. In 2025, it may seem imperative that a child have a cellphone so they can stay in touch with their family members. Latchkey kids may be seen as a thing of the past, but they still exist when kids age out of after-school care. That means parents who are concerned about safety may turn to cellphones a little earlier than they’d like to make sure their kids make it into the house after getting off the bus.

    A cellphone may help a child communicate that they’ve made it home, but it doesn’t protect them from the dangers of having unfettered access to the Internet and social media. This is why some parents are turning to landlines again, and they’re pleasantly surprised by the results.

    kids cell phone; kids landline; landlines; communication; low tech life; old school parenting; social skills
    Children immersed in their smartphones outdoors. Photo credit: Canva

    “My husband and I decided to kind of pause the screen path that so many people were on, but we pivoted and surprised her with a landline,” Caron Morse tells The Today Show.

    The mom was able to convince a few other parents to join in, watching the circle of landlines grow for her daughter. However, having a constantly busy phone wasn’t the sweet side effect—it was the increased communication skills. “It sounds so weird to say that bringing a landline into the house was my smartest parenting choice, but in my heart I really feel like this was an important pivot,” the mom says.

    Paul Zalewski, co-founder of Fathercraft, shares with Parents Magazine that he installed a cordless landline complete with an answering machine for his kids. He tells the magazine that the shift was deliberate so his kids can practice real conversations, adding, “Their overall communication has become more intentional. Since the landline is voice only, they think before they speak. [The phone] has played a crucial role in building confidence and competence. The older one, in particular, has taken on small adult-like tasks, such as calling to confirm logistics or leaving an important message. We see that responsibility translates into other areas of independence.”

    kids cell phone; kids landline; landlines; communication; low tech life; old school parenting; social skills
    Boy absorbed in his phone, lying on a cozy bed. Photo credit: Canva

    It was even great for their listening skills. The same thing goes for parents who have ditched full-time cell phone use to have a landline in the house. Patty Schepel writes for The Every Mom about her unexpected positive outcome when she switched to using a landline for a week after realizing her child was competing with her phone for attention.

    She explains, “My goal was to get rid of my phone-separation anxiety, and I wanted to be more present with my kids. However, I was floored by all the additional benefits that came out of this experience.” She lists, “I sat with my thoughts. I was in a better mood. I felt more present with my kids. I noticed fewer behavioral issues with my son. I was more productive. I called my friends and had more meaningful conversations.” Schepel says the experiment made her realize that she didn’t actually need to be connected all the time or jump onto the emotional rollercoaster that is social media.

    kids cell phone; kids landline; landlines; communication; low tech life; old school parenting; social skills
    Kids enjoying screen time together outside. Photo credit: Canva

    Giving a child a smartphone is a huge decision, especially if it’s not a restricted phone like the Bark or Gabb phones that allow complete parental control. However, even with phones like that, introducing the phone can create a habit that some parents may not be ready to contend with. Childhood digital safety expert for Bark Technologies, Titania Jordan, tells Parents Magazine, “Slow, intentional access protects kids from the dangers and stress of life online. I’ve never met a parent who wished they’d handed over tech earlier—only ones who wish they’d waited longer. This landline trend is just one sign of a larger move toward slower, lower-tech childhoods.”

  • Abby Wambach passionately explains why parents shouldn’t go to their kids’ sports practices
    Photo credit: via Canva/PhotosA girl practicing soccer and Abby Wambach.

    Taking a kid to soccer practice is a good time for many of us to catch up on our Instagram feeds, read a good book, or sit in the car, where it’s warm, and watch from the parking lot. Sure, it’s great to see your kid run around and be active, but it’s a lot more fun to see them play in a game where something is at stake instead of running drills or playing Sharks and Minnows.

    For those who get a little bored at their kid’s practices, you will want to listen to the words of the great Abby Wambach: Don’t go.

    Wambach is a retired soccer player, coach, and member of the National Soccer Hall of Fame, who was a regular in the U.S. women’s national soccer team from 2003 to 2015. In 2012, she was named the FIFA World Player of the Year. She shared her thoughts on a recent episode of her Welcome to the Party podcast with co-host Rebecca Lowe from NBC’s Premier League coverage.

    The conversation began when Lowe admitted that she doesn’t get to attend all of her child’s games due to her job. “I go to the practices because I don’t get to go to as many games as I would like. I probably go to one every four because I’m at work on the weekends,” Lowe said.

    Should parents attend their child’s sports practice?

    “Just think about this. What is the purpose of practice? It’s not for the kid to look over their shoulder and make sure that their mom, dad, or parent is sitting on the sideline watching them. Practice is for free play for them,” Wambach responded. “That there is nothing that’s going to encumber them from trying something new…taking a risk, making a mistake, trying something, being successful. Because what we’re then doing is, we’re externalizing all of our motivation.”

    soccer, girl soccer, soccer game, soccer ball, soccer field
    Some young children playing soccer. via Canva/Photos

    Wambach goes on to say that if a child is giving their all on the practice field to make their parents happy, it makes it more difficult for them to develop a more critical skill, having the self-determination and motivation to play for themselves. “‘Cause we want our kids to be self-starters and internally motivated. So if you’re at practice, it outsources that motivation,” Wambach said.

    Give kids space and they’ll grow

    Let Grow, a movement dedicated to giving children greater independence, agrees with Wambach’s take on practice, suggesting that when children are allowed to practice without parents looking over their shoulders, they are more likely to develop a better relationship with their teammates and coaches. “Yet, by being there all the time, you’re not giving your child a chance to really grow and develop that relationship with their coach and teammates. They’re always watching you as you watch them,” the organization says. “It might seem innocent enough to watch every practice, but it can also give coaches a nice break to not have to deal with the hovering.”

    So, next time your kid has to go to practice, consider giving them some space. By giving them room to take risks, make mistakes, and build stronger connections with their teammates and coach, you’re helping them grow both on and off the field. Sometimes, the best support parents can give their child is knowing when to leave them alone.

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