The father-son bond is a beautiful thing. While many dads may think this relationship simply comes naturally, many fathers struggle with the connection.
Dad and parenting blogger Pat Barber (@thefathersguild) shared a vulnerable post with his followers about his struggle to connect with one of his sons.
In a video shared on Instagram, Barber told viewers, “I’m struggling to connect with my second son right now. It’s been brutal. He’s so great. But he does so many things that are so hard to overlook in terms of his long-term well being,” he says. “How he interacts with people. How he looks people in the eye.”
Exasperated, he continue,: “Whether or not he listens. And so I have to try something new because right now there’s an overwhelming amount of negative conversation that we have relative to the positive. And I don’t like how this feels.”
Barber shares that he needs a new approach. “So today I’m going to try something different, and I’m just gonna tell him that he has to get in the truck,” he says. “We’re gonna go to Home Depot. We’re gonna get him a tool belt, we’re gonna get him a hammer., we’re gonna get him a little tape measure. And he’s going to join me building around the house today, whether he likes it or not. And I’m gonna see if that helps us connect. Helps us feel like we’re closer and talk to him throughout the day.”
He admits that he “doesn’t know if this will work,” but that he’s sticking to it. In another clip, Barber shares an update on how the day went with his son.
“It’s the day after that and that didn’t kind of work—it worked really, really well,” he says. “I got him all the stuff. We headed back home. We started working. We listened to music. We talked a bunch. We just connected.”
He explains that instead of just telling his son he enjoyed their time together, he went a step further. “And then afterwards instead of saying, ‘Hey, I enjoyed spending time with you’ (which I did say that), I wrote him a note and just said, ‘Hey, I really enjoyed working with you today. I love working with you. I love spending time with you’, and I gave him that note,” he says.
The intentional time spent with his son turned their relationship around, and Barber encouraged other dads to do the same. “I recommend that. If you’re losing some connection, clear your slate when it comes to how you’re currently feeling with the kid and just do it,” he says. “Just be there and have it be as present as possible and have him help you as much as possible and give him some grace there. But kinda force it. I’m gonna do more of it.”
Viewers were touched by the honest and relatable post. “Perfection. This is most excellent. Talking with your son, not at him. Outstanding,” one commented. Another added, “Hearing a man say the words “I am struggling to connect” for everyone to hear on the internet is so deeply healing.” This viewer wrote, “I was a difficult second son, and this is exactly what I wanted (but never got): quality time with my father just being alongside me. Great work, I love your intentionality “
How to connect with your son
If you struggle to connect with your son, you’re not alone. “Dads may struggle to connect with their boys because of unspoken ‘rules’ they learned during their life: Men/boys don’t talk about emotions, men don’t show vulnerability, men must uphold the image of a ‘strong’ man,” Angela Gonnella, Psy.D, psychologist and owner at Gonnella Psychological Services, LLC, tells Upworthy. “All these unspoken rules can keep a father distant from his children, especially his boys.”
Looking for more ways to build your father-son bond? She recommends these three ways to build a stronger connection:
1. Kids pick the activity
“Spend time passing your son the baton of choosing what to do. Building forts? Listening to music? Building creations with magna-tiles? Let him lead the way,” says Gonnella. “You’ll show him through your actions that you care about what is fun for him, so wordless connecting! You may also be surprised at how much your kiddo may feel comfortable speaking their minds when their hands are busy!”
2. Model emotional language to build connection
“Don’t be afraid to express your own experiences (age appropriate, of course) with your son to start conversations. It can not only be a model, but paves the way for them to share what’s on their minds,” she says. “Ex: ‘I had such a busy day at work. I had so much to get done in so little time, it was really frustrating. What was your day like?’
3. Listen. Like, REALLY listen
“What do you know already about your son? What are the small things he says? Take the time to really listen to what he’s sharing, no matter how small,” Gonnella recommends. “Let him know you’re glad he’s sharing with you, and that you’re there to always listen. This helps kids feel like their parent understands them and cares about what they say.”
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