Effective parenting is largely about communication, but sometimes communicating with kids is easier said than done. If you’re a parent of a school-aged child, especially a tween or teen, you’ve likely had some version of this conversation more times than you can count:
“Hey, how was school today?”
“Fine.”
“Just fine? Anything interesting happen?”
“Not really.”
“Well, did you have a good day at least?”
“Yep.”
The “How was school?” question inevitably leads to monosyllabic answers that feel more like an obligatory response rather than an actual, thoughtful answer. And yet we keep asking it because it’s a reasonable question and we really want to know. We’re not asking for a dissertation, so why don’t kids open up when we ask them how school was? And how do we get them to do so?
According to child behavioral experts, the problem lies partially in the question itself.
“Often, we choose questions like ‘How was school?’ or ‘How was your day?’ Questions like that don’t give a child a place to start,” says Kristi Budd, a school counselor at The Gordon School in Rhode Island. “They also don’t show a lot of thought or understanding on the part of the adult. Think about the different facets of your day, and how broad that question might seem.”
Children’s days are busy, just like ours. “A good rule of thumb is: could you answer the same question?” Budd says. “Or would it leave you wondering where to start?”
Thoughtful questions come from thinking through a child’s day, putting yourself in their shoes, and recognizing where there might be triumphs or trials they might like to share. What might your kid have been thinking about during recess? What might they have been feeling in class?
“Try asking questions that help your child reflect and express their feelings,” suggests Irin Rubin, author of The MamaZen Parenting Method. “This not only gets them talking, it shows them that you truly value their inner world.”
Another reason kids might be reticent to open up? The timing of the question, Dr. Shereen Mohsen, a clinical psychologist, tells Upworthy. If you try to ask them about their day right as you’re picking them up from school, you’ll probably get shut down, as kids need time to shift gears.
“A lot of times, kids just need to decompress,” Mohsen says. “School takes up a lot of their energy—academics, friends, rules, social stuff—that by the time they’re home, they don’t want to rehash it all.”
Assuming they’ve had a little decompression time first, here are 15 alternative questions suggested by experts that might help kids open up about their day:
What was something that made you smile today?
Was there a moment you felt really proud of yourself?
What was tricky for you today, and how did you handle it?
Who did you feel most connected to at school?
Who do you want to get to know better?
What’s one thing you wish I could have seen you do today?
What is one thing that you enjoyed?
What was one thing that challenged you?
What was something that annoyed you today?
What surprised you?
What was the funniest thing that happened today?
Who did you sit with at lunch?
Was there a part of your day that felt really long or boring?
If you could do over one thing from today, which one would you pick?
Did anyone say something that made you laugh?
If your kids are older, don’t expect as much sharing about the details of their day, and don’t take it personally.
“For tweens and teens, keeping things to themselves is often more about independence than rejection,” Mohsen says. “Staying curious without pushing too hard shows them you are there for them whenever they’re ready.”
Budd suggests making sure teens have other trusted adults in their lives to open up to besides you.
“As your children approach high school, it is time to get your mind around the idea that they aren’t going to tell you everything,” she says. “As a caregiver, it becomes more important that they have an adult—anyone—that they trust. It could be Aunt Cindy, it could be the librarian, it could be the school nurse. When your child is talking, listen to learn who the adults are in their life, and do what you can to encourage those relationships. It may break your heart to not be the only trusted adult in your child’s life, but you’re doing them a great service by making sure they have a team of grownups and not just one parent.”
Getting kids to talk may seem harder than it should be, but with the right timing, questions, and expectations, the lines of communication can remain open and kids will know they can always come to you if and when they have things to share.
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